AKA: Why I Don’t Give A Shit
If you look around the interwebs for writing type stuff, in the way I do, you might come across this. It’s a list of writers, many of which are intimidatingly big names, offering their “ten rules for writing fiction.” You’ve got some heavies like Neil Gaiman in there, and it’s just all full of interesting food for thought. My homeboy Chuck Wendig did a similar list. Then my other homeboy Josh did one. A friend of mine bitched that I don’t blog enough. So I figured now is a great time to do some proverbial bandwagon jumping.
My Ten Rules
1: Purpose. Holyshitpurpose. If you’re writing fiction, your fictional elements must have purpose. Sure, the sky is purple, and that’s awesome. But why? I don’t give a shit that it’s purple, I give a shit what that means to the story.
2: What’s the old saying? You can’t assume without putting your readers up your ass? Or something like that. Assuming anything beyond a reader’s basic grasp of the language is typically jerky. While I’m not ignorant, sometimes I don’t pick up on the subtle nuances of a story without a little goading. Subtle, implied nuance has its place. That place is not in the essential elements of your story.
3: I approach your work from a mindset of not caring. Change that. If I don’t care about your characters and story within twenty pages, you and your fiction can fuck off. I am a busy person, and I’m reading fiction to be entertained and invested in a story. If you can’t do at least one of those two things very quickly, I’ll move on to an author that can.
4: The wheel has already been invented. If you’re going to reinvent it, at least do me the dignity of doing something new with it. This is both literal and figurative. Your story has already been told. Give me something cool. The wheel has literally already been invented. Giving me a ‘hover wheel!’ is just going to bore the shit out of me.
5: It’s great that you love your reader insert character. I probably won’t. Why? Because I’m inserting myself, and while my mom thinks I’m cool, your fiction world probably thinks I’m a boring-assed guy that writes nerd books for a living. So give me something else. Give me examples, in the form of characters, of why your setting deserves attention. Reader inserts have their place, but I need more than that.
6: I must be able to connect with your conflict. If your conflict only makes sense to someone that’s deeply invested in your speculative world, I probably won’t like it. If you need to give me an extended preface about the nature of two cultures and why their conflict only makes sense if you understand them, you have a shitty conflict. Sorry.
7: I’m a big boy. I promise. Adult characters swear. Adult characters have sex. Editing for the sake of audience is almost always evident when I read fiction. While sure, the sex might not be a part of the direct plot, but if you want to use that defense, be prepared for my pointing out the dozens of things you chose to include. Fucking is great. It makes us human. Saying fuck is also great. It makes us human. When I’m running for my life, I’m not going to say “gosh.” I don’t say “gosh” when I’m volunteering at a retirement home, why would I when I’m in danger?
8: Any time you do something final, ask yourself, “Could I do this differently, and still get the same if not a better effect?” Joss Whedon: I’m talking to you. You don’t need to arbitrarily kill characters. Yes, Bob Smith can walk across the street and get hit by a bus. Yes, if Sally Smith undercooks chicken, she might die of salmonella. You know what? I don’t give a shit. If I wanted to read about Sally Smith’s undercooked chicken, I’d, well, probably lock myself up for being terminally boring or I’d read FDA guidelines off the chicken packaging, (or both?) Making gamechanging events for no reason draws me away from the narrative and bugs the hell out of me. It’s not dissimilar from my purple sky. I assume the sky is blue. I assume your characters are alive. If you change that without purpose, I’m not going to like it.
9: You are not Shakespeare. You are not Dickens. You’re a writer, just like me. Just write your book, and let me read it. You don’t need to convince me that you’re smart. I’ll decide that without your help, thank you. Don’t talk over me. The fact is, if you need a lengthly, out-of-narrative explanation of your fictional element, you might consider dropping your fictional element. If you can’t express your thoughts without a ton of footnotes and appendices, maybe it’s because you just need to be more expressive and definitive up front.
10: Preludes are of the devil. Not the cool devil that does drugs and rock and roll, the devil that sucks. I want shit to happen. In fact, I want it to happen now. I’m used to watching television and films. I’m used to Bruce Campbell shooting deadites within minutes of show start. I’m used to David Duchovny getting head from a nun in the intro sequences. If you cannot one-up David Duchovny getting head from a nun in your first chapter, what’s my incentive to read on?
There you go. I expect to see a manuscript on my desk in the morning, and it had better include something that tops nun fellatio.
What? Chuck Wendig did eleven rules? Damn. Then let me give you some value-added content:
11: I don’t give a shit what your character is thinking. I don’t give a shit what your character is planning to do. I don’t give a shit what your character is considering. I care what your character is doing. Do, do, or it’s doodoo. (Obligatory poop joke.) Believe me, I’m a pretty intelligent cookie. As long as you’re writing your character well, and giving thought to her motivations, I will probably understand her motivations. Do me a favor: Remove all such instances to what the character plans, thinks, or otherwise passively approaches or considers doing. Then, hand your manuscript off to someone else. Have them read it. If your reader says, “Why did she slap Gene?” then you need to reconsider the way you’ve presented the character. You don’t need to internalize her and explain it. Give me less explanation, give me more character.
Also: Maschine Zeit. Maschine Zeit is slated for April 31. I’m still trying to get someone for layout (if you know anyone, point them my way.) I’ve brought on a number of badass writers to help. I’ve got a badass editor on board. The cover art is fucking phenomenal. I have custom 1gb USB Flash Drives that’ll serve as a primary form of packaging. You’ll get more information soon. I promise.
February 22nd, 2010 - 1:29 pm
I follow most of those, I think. I actually found this list better than the ones by ”heavy hitters” as you put it. They smell of hipster. I don’t need you to tell me ”Pick up the pen and write”. No shit sherlock.
February 22nd, 2010 - 1:32 pm
You’d be surprised, though.
The big rule I learned from Stephen King’s On Writing was to just do it. There’s no real such thing as writer’s block, there’s only laziness. I’d say that the one big thing that separates would-be writers from writers is the act of writing. A lot of people talk about writing. They blog about writing. They plan to write. They even take their pretty laptops to Starbucks so they can look like writers. But at the end of the day, they’ve written shit.
February 22nd, 2010 - 1:39 pm
A good list overall, though I have to disagree with the sex/swearing. Swearing I have no real thoughts about — unless we’re talking about something like Ender’s Game where it’s 6-year-olds swearing, but that’s different — but in movies and books, I honestly don’t care much for sex scenes. I mind them less in books than movies; I really, really hate them in movies. I just don’t get why I’m supposed to want to see/read about characters getting it on. If I’m not reading porn, and therefore not reading it for the sake of reading about sex, what does spelling it out do that a fade-to-black doesn’t?
I’m not some enormous prude who thinks exposing children to boobies will ruin them forever or something, I just don’t really get it.
February 22nd, 2010 - 1:51 pm
I’m mostly not talking about movies. Movies are a unique animal. A sex scene that takes four minutes is actually taking up a considerable amount of time that really should be focused on the proper narrative.
Mind you, I’m not saying, “You need to go into long, graphic details.” I’m saying, people have sex. Once, when I was in a very bad situation, I spent a tense night with a friend. She wasn’t a good friend, per se. She was just a friend. We had sex. It was fun. It was cathartic. It helped distract me. Story: Guy is with a woman. Woman’s father died. That night, they were sitting in bed. They couldn’t say anything that hadn’t already been said. She got on top of him, and they had very good sex. It happens. I hate vague mentions of things like sex, as if it belongs in the bedroom and not in the book.
Let me offer analogy: The story is about Ellen growing up and learning the truth of the world. Cool story, whatever. During the story, she meets with a childhood sweetheart. They have a little debate. She decks him. The book or movie will *absolutely* show that. But if they have sex, they probably won’t. Why? Mostly because we’re prudes.
Sex has power. Sex has value. The way people have sex is important, it communicates a lot of different things. With the father dying story, look at what that could communicate:
1) They can’t say anything that hasn’t been said. He kisses her, then mounts her and fuck her.
2) They can’t say anything that hasn’t been said. Silently, she slips on top of him and starts making love.
3) They can’t say anything that hasn’t been said. He opens his mouth, she shakes her head, gets on top of him and fucks until they both pass out from exhaustion.
That’s three different stories. If we faded to black, we lost a lot of value there. Would you agree?
February 22nd, 2010 - 1:56 pm
A good list! Full of the vitriol I require from you. I nurse on it like milk from a grumpy teat!
I’ll echo Danielle’s sentiment — I, personally, am a person who writes with ample Sex And Profanity. But, writers must constantly confront the notion that those things are not universally marketable. Now, in a perfect world we can all say, “Hey, screw the market, I do what I do because I do it.” This being an imperfect world, I wanna get paid and published, and if an editor comes back and says, “Dial this down,” I’m turning the dial and watching his eyes until he gives me the thumbs-up.
– c.
February 22nd, 2010 - 1:59 pm
On editing: That’s absolutely going to be the case. It’s a sad truth.
And thanks. My vitriol comes from years of reading things I wanted to be very excited about, but couldn’t get there with.
February 22nd, 2010 - 9:12 pm
Just to note that there is no April 31… April 30 leads directly to May 1. So hopefully you mean April 30 and not that the project has slipped into some timeless void from whence it can never emerge to brighten our lives. Or darken, given the concept, but either way, Daddy wants him some Maschine Zeit.
February 22nd, 2010 - 9:17 pm
Where I come from, we can add days to the calender.
And yes, I mean April 30th.
February 23rd, 2010 - 10:40 am
Okay, I’m going to have to argue somewhat for the context of sex and swearing. I think using them liberally and without purpose is the same as using any element arbitrarily. If they don’t help tell the story they don’t belong. If you are writing hard-boiled bad ass, then it’s part of the narrative, but otherwise I’d say pay attention that you are trying to create reality versus realism. I agree that people swear and have sex, but they also use the bathroom and pick their noses.
February 23rd, 2010 - 12:23 pm
You can’t ignore one rule, while following another.
Purpose. Purpose. Purpose. Fucking must have purpose.
Look to my response to Danielle for a bit more on purpose meets fucking.
February 23rd, 2010 - 12:43 pm
I can see what you mean, but… Eh, I dunno. The only book I’ve read where I thought the sex scenes actually had a bit of point was Tigana, and even then, there were, what, 4 of them, in varying levels of detail? I’m sure the story would have been a bit different without them, but would it have changed the whole point? I agree with your examples showing different stories, I just disagree that you absolutely have to put characters into a situation where fucking is the logical (or preferred, or random, or whatever) outcome.
Sex scenes just don’t interest me, I guess, so I tend to see them as unnecessary and wonder why they didn’t just write it differently. That’s my own personal, though.
February 23rd, 2010 - 1:46 pm
Do you similarly dislike anything else that builds character dynamics? If characters visit the Quickstop because showing that Terry likes to mix one fourth Mountain Dew with three fourths Pepsi gives a bit of insight into how opinionated he is, is that problematic? Should they just ignore it in favor of, “they go to the store?”
February 23rd, 2010 - 1:50 pm
My point being: You can remove all manner of things from a story. You could remove Bob from Fight Club entirely. You could actually remove Jack’s dealing with his boss. You could gloss over those things. They don’t change the point of the story. The message is still there. If it serves the narrative, why hand-wave it away, except for the sake of being more prudish?