AKA: Why I Don’t Give A Shit
If you look around the interwebs for writing type stuff, in the way I do, you might come across this. It’s a list of writers, many of which are intimidatingly big names, offering their “ten rules for writing fiction.” You’ve got some heavies like Neil Gaiman in there, and it’s just all full of interesting food for thought. My homeboy Chuck Wendig did a similar list. Then my other homeboy Josh did one. A friend of mine bitched that I don’t blog enough. So I figured now is a great time to do some proverbial bandwagon jumping.
My Ten Rules
1: Purpose. Holyshitpurpose. If you’re writing fiction, your fictional elements must have purpose. Sure, the sky is purple, and that’s awesome. But why? I don’t give a shit that it’s purple, I give a shit what that means to the story.
2: What’s the old saying? You can’t assume without putting your readers up your ass? Or something like that. Assuming anything beyond a reader’s basic grasp of the language is typically jerky. While I’m not ignorant, sometimes I don’t pick up on the subtle nuances of a story without a little goading. Subtle, implied nuance has its place. That place is not in the essential elements of your story.
3: I approach your work from a mindset of not caring. Change that. If I don’t care about your characters and story within twenty pages, you and your fiction can fuck off. I am a busy person, and I’m reading fiction to be entertained and invested in a story. If you can’t do at least one of those two things very quickly, I’ll move on to an author that can.
4: The wheel has already been invented. If you’re going to reinvent it, at least do me the dignity of doing something new with it. This is both literal and figurative. Your story has already been told. Give me something cool. The wheel has literally already been invented. Giving me a ‘hover wheel!’ is just going to bore the shit out of me.
5: It’s great that you love your reader insert character. I probably won’t. Why? Because I’m inserting myself, and while my mom thinks I’m cool, your fiction world probably thinks I’m a boring-assed guy that writes nerd books for a living. So give me something else. Give me examples, in the form of characters, of why your setting deserves attention. Reader inserts have their place, but I need more than that.
6: I must be able to connect with your conflict. If your conflict only makes sense to someone that’s deeply invested in your speculative world, I probably won’t like it. If you need to give me an extended preface about the nature of two cultures and why their conflict only makes sense if you understand them, you have a shitty conflict. Sorry.
7: I’m a big boy. I promise. Adult characters swear. Adult characters have sex. Editing for the sake of audience is almost always evident when I read fiction. While sure, the sex might not be a part of the direct plot, but if you want to use that defense, be prepared for my pointing out the dozens of things you chose to include. Fucking is great. It makes us human. Saying fuck is also great. It makes us human. When I’m running for my life, I’m not going to say “gosh.” I don’t say “gosh” when I’m volunteering at a retirement home, why would I when I’m in danger?
8: Any time you do something final, ask yourself, “Could I do this differently, and still get the same if not a better effect?” Joss Whedon: I’m talking to you. You don’t need to arbitrarily kill characters. Yes, Bob Smith can walk across the street and get hit by a bus. Yes, if Sally Smith undercooks chicken, she might die of salmonella. You know what? I don’t give a shit. If I wanted to read about Sally Smith’s undercooked chicken, I’d, well, probably lock myself up for being terminally boring or I’d read FDA guidelines off the chicken packaging, (or both?) Making gamechanging events for no reason draws me away from the narrative and bugs the hell out of me. It’s not dissimilar from my purple sky. I assume the sky is blue. I assume your characters are alive. If you change that without purpose, I’m not going to like it.
9: You are not Shakespeare. You are not Dickens. You’re a writer, just like me. Just write your book, and let me read it. You don’t need to convince me that you’re smart. I’ll decide that without your help, thank you. Don’t talk over me. The fact is, if you need a lengthly, out-of-narrative explanation of your fictional element, you might consider dropping your fictional element. If you can’t express your thoughts without a ton of footnotes and appendices, maybe it’s because you just need to be more expressive and definitive up front.
10: Preludes are of the devil. Not the cool devil that does drugs and rock and roll, the devil that sucks. I want shit to happen. In fact, I want it to happen now. I’m used to watching television and films. I’m used to Bruce Campbell shooting deadites within minutes of show start. I’m used to David Duchovny getting head from a nun in the intro sequences. If you cannot one-up David Duchovny getting head from a nun in your first chapter, what’s my incentive to read on?
There you go. I expect to see a manuscript on my desk in the morning, and it had better include something that tops nun fellatio.
What? Chuck Wendig did eleven rules? Damn. Then let me give you some value-added content:
11: I don’t give a shit what your character is thinking. I don’t give a shit what your character is planning to do. I don’t give a shit what your character is considering. I care what your character is doing. Do, do, or it’s doodoo. (Obligatory poop joke.) Believe me, I’m a pretty intelligent cookie. As long as you’re writing your character well, and giving thought to her motivations, I will probably understand her motivations. Do me a favor: Remove all such instances to what the character plans, thinks, or otherwise passively approaches or considers doing. Then, hand your manuscript off to someone else. Have them read it. If your reader says, “Why did she slap Gene?” then you need to reconsider the way you’ve presented the character. You don’t need to internalize her and explain it. Give me less explanation, give me more character.
Also: Maschine Zeit. Maschine Zeit is slated for April 31. I’m still trying to get someone for layout (if you know anyone, point them my way.) I’ve brought on a number of badass writers to help. I’ve got a badass editor on board. The cover art is fucking phenomenal. I have custom 1gb USB Flash Drives that’ll serve as a primary form of packaging. You’ll get more information soon. I promise.
